Johnathan Croom · Life—only real when shared.

Directional Gas Pumps

Wow. So far today I’m feeling a little stupid. For ages now, I’ve been pulling into a gas station, immediately finding a spot, and then pumping gas, only to find that I have to step over the big tube to get back to the driver’s seat.

What I realized today is this. If you’re right-handed (or plan on grabbing the nozzle with your right hand), you need to park…..

Okay nevermind. This actually makes no sense whatsoever and I just realized that my realization isn’t actually real. Okay then, move along.

My search to pump gas without stepping over the tube continues.

Satisfaction

I realized something that I think is pretty groundbreaking tonight. Everyone wants what they don’t have.

For example, people with careless parents want ones who care, and people with parents who care want ones who don’t care so much.

It’s curious to think about. It really makes me wonder if I would be happier if I was more grateful for everything and satisfied with how things are, even if they aren’t all that great. It makes me wonder if things would actually improve if I was satisfied and grateful.

So with that being said, the only way I can know is to try. I am going to try and be more observant to everything and instead of complaining or disliking something, be grateful and satisfied with how things are. I will keep you updated with how that goes.

Good Writing

I think about writing quite a lot. I enjoy writing. I enjoy talking a whole lot more, though. I would like to bend my words into some sort of one-sided conversation. That sounds confusing. What I’m trying to say is this: I want my writing to, somehow, seem like a conversation between us. I want you to ask questions in your head, and then I immediately answer them.

There’s this intrapersonal conversation I often have. It’s extremely thought-filled and has so much meaning to me. It is not something that I can translate into an interpersonal conversation. Conversations with people are always lacking in some way, maybe because of their disinterest in what I have to say, maybe something else. What I hope to do here, and everywhere that I write, is to have an intrapersonal conversation on paper, that you can read and that you can understand.

This very blog post is an intrapersonal conversation. I was just sitting here reading and I decided to record some thoughts as they happened.

Until next time, friend.

Infinite, Day One

Today has been fantastic. In Wallflower terms, today I feel infinite. I truly do. Regardless of the current situation or what I have to do, I feel great. Right now, it doesn’t matter how good or bad things are, I just feel great.

Why? Figuring why I feel like this today is key to replicating it. I think that it’s partly because I’ve been able to really please everyone today. Everything I’ve done has ended up successfully and people have been happy because of my actions. That makes me extremely happy.

So what did I do today? Well, I took my buddies to lunch, looked at fancy cars, and did some shopping. Seriously, that’s all. I’ve been happy through all of it, though.

It feels weird posting something so happy, because every time I write, I seem to be distraught in some way. I guess, normally, I write when I see no other thing to do, but today I wanted to write to remind myself that days are, and will be, good.

Memories

It’s weird, what we remember. Looking back at my previous blog posts, I remember specific things that happened that day, regardless of what I wrote. It’s nice. It makes me want to write more, so that someday and I can look back and remember at least some of the time I had.

I feel like the very words I record on this blog have a lot of meaning. Maybe not a lot of meaning to you, or a lot of meaning to me, but a lot of meaning to future me. I hope that someday in the distant future I will struggle with something that I wrote about, or that there’s a moment that I just need to know who I am, and I can look back, and see, exactly where I’ve been, what I’ve done, and where I’ve wanted to go.

I feel that my writing isn’t purposeful or of any use, but looking back at it this morning, it made me remember things I would have otherwise forgotten, and I love that.

(I just looked back at the last two paragraphs and noticed they contradict greatly. Oh well. It flowed out naturally.)

I sincerely hope to write more, not just for my sake, but for your sake as well. If you’re taking the time to read these stupid ramblings, it’s likely you care at least somewhat about me. If you do in fact care, I want you to know that I care about you too, and that I write this in hopes that you can see me, who I truly am, and get an insight into me, the deeper, more thoughtful me.

That comes to the main point: I believe there’s something inside of me that’s valuable to you in some way. It’s my hope to, somehow, transfer that thing to you, whatever it may be. That, my friend, is my only motivator.

Moving Out

I just realized how depressing my last post was, so I figured I would attempt to write something a little more cheerful, in this case, about moving out.

I moved out of my parent’s house two weeks ago. Simple as that. Just up and left for the first time ever. I just got back from a shower, which succeeded a 5am run, and now I am listening to the morning sounds, breathing the beautiful Arizona air, and staring silently as the firey lights of my candles illuminate the room.

Sounds pretty great doesn’t it? I cook my own meals, pay my own bills, and worry about literally nothing. There has not been a single downfall. I absolutely love it.

Surely living on my own has improved life itself, but has it made an impact on me deeply, enough to destroy that inner sadness and anger? No. For that, I will continue to seek a solution.

All is good, and I hope the same to you.

2013 and Shit

Wow. It has been a very long time since I’ve written. Obviously a lot has happened in the 1/4 of a year that has passed.

I got my GED, and started college. I have been working selling Kirbys for a short while. I haven’t done any programming.

I guess we can all wonder why I haven’t written. I’m sure there’s many reasons. One might be my minimal computer use (I’m actually writing this post on my phone). Another might be my morbidity. Who knows really. Regardless, that’s three months summed up. Boring, really.

So sure there’s lots of details I left out, but for the most part, the last few months haven’t been great. So I suppose now that I’ve realized that, I kind of want to do something about it.

It’s hard; being depressed. Wow. I don’t even like to say that, but it’s true. Some things snap me out of it temporarily but it always lingers. Don’t get me wrong this is hard to talk about, and now I feel I’m babbling. Back to the point.

Okay the point. Well, I guess I should probably care a little more about school. It’s apparently important. No that’s not a good attitude. It’s important. I should also show up to work this week. Don’t ask about that. I guess those are decent goals for this week.

Well this is disappointing. I don’t even want to post this because it’s so ridiculous and confusing. I’ll post it anyways since it’s the only words I’ve written in three months.

I’ll try and be more interesting next time.

Today I Quit My Job

Well I never had a job to begin with. Today I stopped work for one of my biggest sources of income. This came at a cost of losing over $2,000, but I am happy with my decision.

What’s next? I honestly don’t know. I’m not sure I want to continue programming. This is the perfect opportunity for me to retire my computer and start my life with people, not machines. I guess we will have to wait and see.

This post is going to be short simply because I don’t have a lot to say on the subject. Just know that this is merely a step into the future of opportunities and I look forward to what I’m going to be doing next.

Love

Some people spend all of their time and effort searching for love. They search and search for some mystical soul-mate that will make their life complete. Unfortunately most people never find that perfectly compatible person and end up settling for somebody who kind of loves them sometimes.

I think the real question we need to ask ourselves is, “What is Love?” Baby don’t hurt me.. Don’t hurt me.. No more.

What is Love? Love is truly caring for somebody in ways that cannot be expressed in words, so we merely smash it into a single one: love. It can be platonic, like loving a friend, familial, like loving your child, and romantic, like loving your dearest wife.

Love can be expressed in a googol of different ways. It can be expressed by giving away some of your hard-earned money to somebody in need, by buying somebody a birthday present, by a passionate kiss, by the very words “I love you”, by being there for a troubled friend, by helping somebody relocate, and an indefinite number of other ways. The point is, love is everywhere surrounding us. It is the basis of our happiness and is most definitely evident daily.

So why do we insist on this ridiculous love search? Why can’t we recognize and enjoy all of the love surrounding every one of us and create happiness in others by loving? We can.

There are a very limited people involved in my life because of the fact that I work from home and haven’t attending school in a long while. Because of that, though, I have developed extremely good friendships with a small amount of people in my life. I call these people Croomies. They are the ones who happened to be in the right place at the right time in order to make my acquaintance and I value them very highly.

What I am looking for now is to create more Croomies. To have more people who I can influence and who can influence me. So if you’re out there, and looking for love, the original Croomy Jepster is always here with an open ear.

7 December 2012

Living Alone

Every day I look forward to about noon-ish when everybody at my house has left doing their daily things and I’m left at home alone. During these times I enjoy drinking milk straight out of the jug, listening to Johnny Cash or extremely loud 1990s hip-hop, and dancing around like a happy Croomy. I suppose I could do those things with other people around, but I just simply don’t.

Didn’t get around to writing more today. Oh well.

Johnathan Croom · Life—only real when shared.